Magic to Do

Weekend one of Pippin has come and gone. Now I have most of my nights free, and I don't know what to do with myself. I sat on the couch last night... all night. I love not driving to Fort Lee every single night, but I also hate not having anything to do. Once a gym membership kicks in for me, I'll start doing that right after work to give me something to do. I actually think I'm going to try out for the next show at Fort Lee called The Boy Friend... I know it's a lot of money in gas to go back and forth, but I want to do another show. I worked it out with my house management schedule, and I'd only miss a handful of rehearsals. I'd be completely there the two weeks before opening, and I wouldn't miss a show. It works out perfectly. I'm a glutton for punishment apparently, but I honestly can't do any other shows until about February or March. I enjoy acting and singing too much to be silent for months. Worse things could be wrong in my life, right? I know I complain about trivial things. But that's what makes the world go 'round. :P

So I'm watching this show called "If You Really Knew Me" on MTV. It should be trashy since it's on MTV, but it's actually awesome. It's in the vein of "True Life" but less documentary style, more typical MTV show style. These high school kids are discussing their cliques and labels. They also are discussing how they really don't fit this stereotype into which they have fallen. It's a little stereotypical in itself (the preppy girl hates her body, the jock is under a lot of pressure, the gay kid feels trapped), but then the stoner kid wants a better life and a different out. He wants to graduate HS because no one in his family has before. They are high school kids, so it makes since they are fascinated by these discoveries while most of the world already knows this. Then I realize it took me a while to figure this out just like these kids. So I've become a little inspired. Even at 22, people are still judging. People won't stop judging until the day we all die. So a lot of people see me as one thing, but in reality I'm not that at all.

So a lot of labels that come across people's lips when they think of me: popular, gay, theater, funny. They think I'm really good at what I do and that it comes natural. My family is great and I just whine a lot when things don't go my way. Well, there is more to me, and some of that is way false. First, and foremost, I am bisexual. I am not gay. I have no problems with gays, of course, but I am not gay. I have honestly thought about this for almost ten years now. I am not gay, I have never been gay, I'm never going to be gay. I am bisexual. I won't change my mind. I won't be stuck with men forever. It's harder to be legitimately bisexual when people (gays and straights) love black and white with sexuality. It hurts me when my friends say I'm not really bisexual. I don't discuss this because people have their opinions, and honestly it really hurts. I'm not confident with my sexuality; I'm terrified, which is why I don't discuss it. I feel like I actually do talk about this often, but it's usually to the same few people. If you really knew me, you'd know that my Facebook friend number does not reflect who I am. I feel like a lot of people know me, but I have very few friends. I have a great bond with some of my brothers (KDR for LIFE), and I still talk to them daily. But I'm in a weird place where I don't feel like I have a lot of friends. I went through a period in HS and college where mid-semester, I'd really feel like I had nobody to turn to or talk to for some odd reason. I just feel lonely a lot. If you really knew me, you'd know that alcohol and drugs have effected my family tremendously. Alcoholism runs in my family, and it terrifies me. Unmentioned drug problems exist, and I have seen alcoholism's destruction.

That's enough for today. Maybe tomorrow I'll dive in deeper. I have no problem with this being out in the open. I think that everyone should really dive into what makes them tick and how it makes you a stronger person. I think I've changed my focus in grad school from administration to counseling if I can. Wow. That was a big revelation. Now, I just need to STUDY FOR THE GRE. ACK!