New York State of Mind

Follow my new blog:

cwithersnyc.blogspot.com

Empire State of Mind

Okay kids... new chapter in my life equals new blog. I'll be making a New York blog soon. Link to be announced!

- Chris

Set Fire to the Rain

Well it's official. I now live in New York City. I officially got here yesterday and spent a glorious, sweaty two hours moving all my stuff up five flights of stairs with no elevator. I'm never moving anything out. Ever. So Rachel and I got here at the same time and went out in search for some groceries and supplies for the apartment. Did you know an A/C unit is EXPENSIVE? Um, $100-$150 is the cheapest... so fans will work for now. Ashley and Kim arrived last night to spend the inaugural evening (Ash had a job interview today and can't move unti the 11th since that's when she gets help). Today was internet and cable installation! Yes, we're wired, but we won't have a TV until the 11th haha. We also did some job hunting today. I applied to TJ Maxx, Whole Foods, a few restaurants, a theater box office, a wellness center and all sorts of places. So we'll see how that goes.

Okay so that's what I've been doing... but I'm also stressing and wanting to scream right now. Ashleigh got really discouraged today with a few things, and she's letting it dictate whether or not she wants to be here anymore. I mean she's paid for the first month, deposit and a fee, so it'd be foolish to back out now, but she wants to not move. I'm really stressed with this because this has happened tons of times in the past month. I took a chance on this move, and I really want her to do it as well. I applied to tons of place today and yesterday, and Rachel texted a friend of ours and got a part time job. So that discouraged me. I'm terrified I won't get a job, but I'm not letting it stress me out and make me want to run back to Richmond. I just can't let it do that. I just wish she would realize the potential New York will unlock in her life. It'll get her away from stupid people bringing her down and open up tons of new experiences. ACK I want to scream. Stressed. But I'm loving New York. Being in Columbus Circle today was brilliant. It's close to my school, and I just love Manhattan. I can't wait to see a show... but I'll have to haha.

I ALSO BOUGHT THE SWEETEST CHAIR THAT TURNS INTO A BED. RIGHTEOUS!

Hello, Dolly!

Wow. It's been since April since I posted last. My apologies to my three followers! Well, as I've stated all over my social media addiction, I am in a production of Hello, Dolly! at Riverside Dinner Theater in Fredericksburg, VA. I am Stanley/Ensemble in the show, which means I am all over the place. This is the hardest dance show in which I have been cast so far. I don't know the hardest moves, but my choreography is pretty circus (instead of saying intense, we say circus... it's our thing). Sally Struthers (All in the Family, Gilmore Girls and so much more) is our Dolly Levi. That's right. Sally Struthers. She's wonderful. At first of course we were all star struck by her. Now, though, she is one of the cast. It is truly wonderful (apparently I say wonderful a lot...) to work with a talented, seasoned actor like Sally. I am so proud of this show, and I am so happy I am finally getting paid to do what I love. I don't want to say that this means I'll never do free theater again... but it has to be a juicy part for me to be involved. I'm so grateful for this opportunity, and I hope I have the opportunity to work with these talented people again. The Richmond Crew (there is a group of four of us who live in 804 and commute to the 540) have gotten super close lately. Love it. It does suck, though, that I'm getting ready to leave this all behind. I have to think towards the future and not let it get to me. We have seven more weeks of the show so COME SEE IT!!!

My blog has never been too interesting, but it really helps me release some inner issues I may have. I have really bad anxiety, so this calms the storm. Did I mention I'm doing Hello, Dolly! with SALLY STRUTHERS? Come see it. She's WONDERFUL! haha :D

Me and the Moon

I'm doing things to get my life back on a healthy track. I am trying to damnedest to eat better, sleep more and be more active. It's honestly easier said than done. You have to push yourself. You really have to make the decision to be healthy, and honestly I'm to the point where if someone's feelings get hurt because I won't eat their cooking (aka my southern Grandma who may have taken care of my diabetic grandfather when he was sick... but she didn't look after the rest of us as we grew up)... I just have to do what's best for my body. The three focus groups are Body, Mind and Soul to be cliche. They break down into things that make a lot more sense.

Body

Probably the biggest group, this deals with food and exercise. I am trying to find an eating plan with which to stick so I can map out exactly what I am eating and when I am eating. I'm considering a few choices. My mom wants us to try the 17 Day Diet, one of the newest fad diets out there. She loves Dr. Oz, so who knows. I'm also interested in the Slim Fast Diet as my mom used it to drop the weight after her kids were born (and was successful!). I may get back on track with the Special K Challenge, but we'll see. My dad works for Domino's, so we get pizza all the time. Well, I'm done with pizza. No more. I have to exercise self control and say no to eating that crap. I also need to get back into a gym routine once the show opens. Until then I'm dancing full out every night of rehearsal. It's a demanding show, probably the most demanding dance wise I've been in to this point (it should have been West Side Story, but the choreography was very weak). Hopefully I can regain some time to go back to the gym once I'm not literally working from 9AM until 10PM, 11PM, 12AM, 1AM. I also need to remind myself to continue taking my One a Day vitamin supplement. It was really helping my energy and the overall way I felt on a daily basis.

Mind

This group will probably be the most challenging. I'm putting sleep under mind because it really is a mental thing for me. Instead of wasting time after I get home from work/rehearsal, I need to get into bed and be restful. No computer, maybe a little TV, but mostly bed. I need to push for 8 hours instead of 7. I need to relax and meditate more. I'm going to start finding time to do simple yoga in my room when I wake up/before bed. I need to stop stressing about silly little things. I need to listen to good music, drive around town and sit in my favorite quiet spots to just reflect on what is going on with my life.

Soul

Soul should really be lifestyle, but I wanted to stick with the three buzz words. I need to live a healthier lifestyle by implementing all of the above issues in my life. I need to spend more time with friends, save more money for New York, and stop worrying about other people. I want to explore Richmond some more before I go, and I want to have a blast with my Hello, Dolly! cast mates. I want a summer fling, male or female. I want to leave Richmond with a positive view when I move to New York in July. I want to go to more concerts and live theater. Hell, I want to go to the movies more! I don't want to be one of those corporate slaves. I refuse to believe that reality is work, work and just work after you graduate college. I absolutely refuse to believe that.

Today I've eaten pretty well I guess. Nothing horrible. I'm drinking a lot of water, and I took my One a Day. Hooray. I lost 15 pounds so far. Now I need to lose another 15 to 20. Holla!

Sigh No More

This weekend is the last weekend I'll have that's not dedicated to working all the time or doing shows all the time. I had a great four weekends of visiting friends, growing in new ways, and further figuring out my life. Harrisonburg the first weekend was a pivotal weekend that strengthened a friendship and made me think about things a lot clearer. GloZell weekend made me remember the funnier aspects of life. Formal weekends reminded me to let loose and have fun with my friends. This weekend, though, really put things into perspective.

Friday I didn't really do too much. I stayed in and got some sleep that was needed. I started back up with Queer as Folk season two. Saturday, though, I really got in touch with my inner self. I've been itching to see the Picasso exhibit at the Virginia Museum of Fine Art. I've been waiting for other people to go with me, but I decided to just go by myself today. I'm glad I did. I had a great time exploring the museum by myself and analyzing the way Picasso's art showed the way he viewed life, faces, his own personal life. The photography in the exhibit really set it off, too, showing not just his art but his life. I did run into a friend half way through the exhibit, and it was great to discuss the exhibit together. I'm glad I got to formulate my opinion on the works prior to running into him, haha. I really got in touch with my artsy side today (blasting Mumford and Sons to and from the museum). Before I knew it, I had been lost in the museum for almost two hours. It was an absolutely awesome experience, and I am really glad I sucked it up and went by myself.

Then I reconnected with Jackie. She was in town, so I went to her place for dinner. Then I connected with Tyler. I know this is very cryptic, but I've already said enough tonight about all of this, and I don't want to talk about it online. Just know I had a great evening with Jackie and an amazing phone conversation with La'Tyler. :D So if anyone reads this, connect with me offline! I miss a lot of you. :D

Till the World Ends

Today I have decided to get my life back together. It seemed to veer off track these past two weeks with being careless with my money, driving to visit friends out of town (wasting a LOT of gas) and not exercising. I need to get back into a routine that is healthy. So today! Today is the day I take my life back into my own hands. I revisited my budget for April. This means I actually redid my budget for April. I'm coming out with not a lot of money after bills are paid, but I have money set aside for New York and for my savings account. I'm going to be strict with myself and my purchases. This probably means no going out as much as I'd like until my income from Hello, Dolly! starts rolling in. This definitely means after KDR and ASA Formals this weekend, no big trips until New York to find an apartment. This absolutely means no frivolous purchases with my own money (luckily I turned in some rewards points for an Amazon gift card to get the Britney CD and the new Warblers from GLEE CD). This means mapping out when I drive to rehearsal so I can save on gas as much as possible. So from now until I go to New York, I'm going to take my life back and do a daily Twitter update with what my way of taking my life back will be. I'll post them in my blog weekly. Today's, just to kick things off, is:

Day #1: No McDonald's before/after rehearsal

Instead of awful fast food, I need to think about what I'm eating. I chose Subway over Taco Bell and McDonald's today. I already feel a lot better. It also helps that I took my vitamin after a few weeks without it, but that's for tomorrow's update. I want to be specific as possible with what I do, so we'll see how this goes! :)

Have a Little Faith in Me

I was going to write about my emotional roller coaster weekend. Instead, I'll just focus on this past week (including the weekend) without all the same mumbo jumbo I always write. This blog is about three days in the making by the way haha

Harrisonburg was a blast. Friday through Sunday this time instead of one night. Lots of debauchery and blurry memories. Yeah, it was a typical night in the 'burg with Tyler and company. Right after this whirlwind trip, I drove right into Fredericksburg for rehearsal! I'm finally doing a PAYING show. It's magnificent. It's not the best money in the world, but hey. It's a paying show. Finally. I'm in the ensemble, which is totally okay since there's a lot of dancing, and Sally Struthers is Dolly. Hilarious. I'm stoked.

The only problem is this week has been exhausting. I haven't been sleeping too well. I haven't been eating well at all. I've missed the gym because I'm just so damn tired all the time. I went out last night, had a blast, but I'm paying for it. So sleepy! I'm getting ready to go down to CNU to see GloZell tonight, and I work until late tomorrow... and I have rehearsal Sunday night. So there's no sleep to be had this week. Hopefully I can catch up with the gym though?

Here's a new segment I'm calling RVA to NYC!

So so far I've saved $400 specifically for NYC. That's... half one month's rent haha. I hope to have at least $1000 when I move up with more money coming as I get a job up there until school starts. Ashleigh already agreed to help out most of our finances for a few months until we get settled. Pretty much as soon as Hello, Dolly! ends, we'll be making the leap! It's going to be amazing. I can't wait!

Blackbird

Being in my parents' house gives me insomnia.

Kurt: Why did you pick me to sing that song with?

Blaine: Kurt, there is a moment when you say to yourself, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you forever."Watching you do "Blackbird:" this week... that was the moment for me about you. You move me, Kurt, and this duet would be an excuse to spend more time with you.

Thanks Glee for continuing to throw it in my face how single and hopeless I am when it comes to my own love life, haha. If you didn't see the "Original Songs" episode of Glee... you missed an amazing moment for Klaine fans (Kurt and Blaine). They finally got together. Fox even allowed two men to kiss! Shocking! Anyways, Ashleigh and I continued to pine away for Blaine (even though more recently I've been pining after Brittany and Santana). It makes me feel utterly hopeless. Here I am, ogling over some fictional character whose actor is straight in real life. I guess I should be ogling over the writers because Blaine's words were beautiful. Side note, Kurt's dad's speech the other week was brilliant as well. I wish my father gave me the sex talk that way. Anyways, Blaine. Men like him may exist, but 90% of them are fictional characters.

All of this reminds me of something my mom asked me recently. She asked me how I was doing. Vague questions get vague answers. I told her I was fine, just really busy with work and stressed about life as usual. Then she asked me if I liked anyone. I haven't been asked that by her since high school. I told her my typical cop out answer. "I'm too busy for a relationship." Then what she said next really broke my heart. "I just worry about you. I don't want you to be alone. I want someone to take care of you." That was probably the most amazing thing she has ever said to me. Now it's not advice she gave me or anything, but it was so thought provoking for one thing. It also showed that she does think about me in the ways I choose to ignore publicly. She knows I'm alone and have been for a long time. It really made me think about my life and everything. I'm at the point in my life, though, where I don't know what I want. I know I've put myself last for years, and I'm finally to the point where I just need to do what is best for me. Hence why I auditioned for Hello, Dolly! in Fredericksburg. I'm moving to New York in four months, so starting a relationship in Virginia would be pointless (I can't deal with long distance). I just don't know. I need to start over in New York. This is such a tough thing for me to deal with since I've spent so much time ignoring the issue. My mom is worried about me finding someone. That speaks so loudly to me. My dad could care less, as long as I'm in a job he thinks is worthy of his praise. Fuck him. Sorry, I got sidetracked. Anyways, again I know I discuss this a lot. It's such a prevalent issue, though. Okay I guess I should try to sleep. Whoo hoo.

EDIT:

So sleep obviously isn't happening, so I'm rereading blog entries from last year. Turns out my mom asked me the same question and posed the same worry last June when I was still living at CNU for the summer. Hmm, maybe that's telling me something huge...

Linus and Lucy

I had an entry started about me going to New York. Well I don't want to write about that anymore, but just know that I'm going to AMDA in NYC in October. I'm peeing myself with excitement.

What I do want to write about, though, is Charlie Brown. Why, you ask? Well, you obviously don't know me. Saying I love Charlie Brown is an understatement. I'm obsessed. Hell, I have related to Charlie Brown since I was his age. I have seen A Charlie Brown Christmas every since Christmas since I was born many times a year. I have three stuffed Snoopys, a Charlie Brown that shivers and plays "Linus and Lucy," a place mat on my desk, a Snoopy flag on my wall, a Lucy and Charlie Brown salt and pepper shaker set, and a lot more. I'm clearly insane with love for the Peanuts gang. Obsessed. My first tattoo is going to be Snoopy with Woodstock hovering over him (I was going to get Charlie Brown, but I figured since I am Charlie Brown it'd be nice to have my best friend looking over me). So yeah I know a thing or two about Chuck and the gang.

Well, last night I went to see Firehouse Theatre Project's production of Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead by Bert V. Royal (Easy A). Without giving anything away, this play asks what would happen if our favorite characters were taken from the pages of the newspaper and put into high school? How would these characters deal with real world problems such as bullying and personal identity? Charlie Brown is now CB, a young man dealing with the death of his beloved dog. All of his friends have grown into different clicks (Linus is stoner Van, Lucy is Van's Sister locked up for burning the Little Read Haired Girl's hair off, Marcy and Patty are Mean Girl versions of themselves, Pig Pen is germiphobe and homophobic Matt, and Schroder is outcasted Beethoven).

I went into this production knowing I was going to love it. My friend/co-worker Bryan plays Beethoven, and he's been raving about it for months. Since it has something to do with Charlie Brown, of course I'm going to go in loving it. It was really great to see how these actors connected their characters with characteristics of their comic strip selves while developing them further than print. Each scene fit nicely into a comic strip-esque feel, and nothing felt forced. These characters seemed real while reminding us of their Peanuts past. I found myself laughing at the subtle hints to their past while growing into or searching for their new identities. I found myself crying through CB's struggles with himself and his friends. I found myself sobbing when CB finally got a letter back from his pen pal. I was so touched by this show in so many ways. The show itself was just fantastic, touching and driving. When CB is talking to Van's Sister, he says something about how he wanted to do something, so he did it with no apologizes. Lucy can finally see that CB has broken out of himself and finally become a complex person. I think my love for Charlie Brown really added to the emotion of the show. I would love to see it again if I could. As soon as I got home I bought the script. I cannot wait to read it and if I can't pull any monologues from it, you bet I'll at least do a scene from it at school if not try to mount a full production. I haven't genuinely loved a play in a long time (other than Legacy of Light at Barksdale). This spoke to me as a true Charlie Brown lover. Please see it if you're in Richmond this weekend. Go see a production of it should one be mounted near you. It is a play not to be missed.

F*cking Perfect

Oh Valentine's Day. Singles Awareness Day. Whatever you call it, the day is one of the biggest pains in the ass.

When I was in a relationship on Valentine's Day... um, let me count... six years ago in 2005 and five years ago in 2006, it was a pain. I was still in high school, my boyfriend was a freshman (2005) slash college drop out. So my schedule was nuts that day. I'm sure I also had choir and musical stuff both years. We could never get our schedules to match, and when we did, neither of us had the money to do anything other than what we always did: sit in my house/his house and hang out. There's so much pressure to do these romantic things, and he was definitely not into it. I tried to be way into it, but I met a lot of resistance. Trying to please that douche... okay nevermind, I'm not going there haha.

Okay well that means for the past five, count 'em FIVE, February 14ths, I've been single. Yeah. In college we'd dress in our finest blacks and go to the Chinese buffet for our annual Singles Dinner. No couples allowed whatsoever. Well this year I don't have the Singles Dinner, and I'm bummed. I am, though, going to see "Burlesque" with my roommate at the Byrd tonight. So yeah, it's still Singles Night. Seeing everyone talking about their significant others on Facebook and in person is giving me a headache. So is the "Love Yourself" bullshit propaganda being spread around (by people NOT single, might I add). This day is ridiculous. Yes I have love with my friends and family, blah blah blah. Only those in denial kid themselves with platonic love or family love. I have those, yes, but this isn't Thanksgiving. It's a romantic love holiday that's complete crap. And yes, I'm bitter and single. I have a right to be bitter, damn it. Haha.

So for today, I'll wait for the mail to see if I got my Netflix ("Breakfast at Tiffany's") and/or a letter from AMDA. What a day to have off and not be in a relationship. Vomit.

Oh You Fancy

Hello blogosphere! I'm trying to be more positive in my blog. Also, I'm trying to relate the titles more to the entries. Let's see how I do.

Well happy Friday, everyone! Today I will be discussing a topic that has been buzzing on my mind lately. As you know, I have been living in Richmond since June. I started out in my normal digs in the West End before relocating closer to the city. My job also did the same. Well, I've noticed something about me... I think I'm becoming one of those trendy Richmond kids. I'm about two flannel shirts away from being a hipster. Let me explain those things that make me a trendy Richmond kid:

Clothing

Okay, okay. So I've been on a great effort to lose weight. After I went from 204 to 196, I was ecstatic. My weight always fluctuates, but it's been fluctuating between 200 and 210 instead of my usual 190 and 200. So being below 200 made me jump for joy. So what did I do to celebrate? I bought new jeans. Not just normal, bootcut jeans... no. I went balls to the wall... and got slim jeans. Now, now! Hear me out. So far all of my jeans have always been typical straight guy jeans: no shape, baggy and loose. Well, I wanted something that fit me better. These jeans are more snug around the leg, and I feel a lot better wearing these jeans. So yes. I bought skinny jeans. They go great when I wear my brown shoes and green Italy jacket. I feel so trendy, haha.

Work

Working for a Fortune-500 company is so 2000s. It's all about the nonprofit. Yes, I work for a nonprofit. A nonprofit theater company at that, too. An arts company that's not for profit in Richmond, VA. Can it get any trendier than that? I work shows, I help put up shows and it's a grand time. AND it's downtown! Also, since I'm only an intern, I work a lot of odd jobs to get extra money. I've done a commercial and judged a Forensics competition. Go me!

Coffee Shop

Honestly, I've been to Starbucks once in over eight months, and that was on the way to Penn State. It's all about local coffee shops, and I've found mine. It's called Lift, and it's a block away from my office. I'm not big on coffee, but when I get my Chocolate Covered Cherry Mocha, it's like Heaven in a recycled cup. They have the best food they make on the spot, and they sell beer and wine. I'm not talking Bud Light and Arbor Mist. They sell trendy beers and wines you wouldn't find at Food Lion. I love Lift, and they have Happy Hour. Hello? 1/2 price drip coffee and BOGO pastries. Yes, I'm sold.

My House

Without going into super detail (because you know... stalking is so 2000s as well), my house screams of old Richmond. The way it's build with hardwood floors and our creepy garage says my house was built in the 60s or 70s and was a poster house for Richmond dwellings at the time. If you've been to my house, you know what I mean. Trendy Richmond house ftw.

My Car

Ford Escort, 2000, name is Betty White. I got into a fender bender, so she's a little ghetto right now. The hood won't close all the way, and there's a hole in my bumper, but she runs! I'd say that's Richmond car standards right there.

Those are the trendy things I can think of now. Here's a small list, though, of what's holding me back from being a true hipster Richmonder:

- No piercings

- No tattoos

- No grungy beard

- No flannel

- No boots

- No bike

- I don't smoke

- I don't wear glasses... or personality glasses

Okay so not all hipster kids are 100% what I just described... but let's face it... that's Richmond for ya! What makes you trendy? We're all a little trendy in one way or another :)

Dream a Little Dream of Me

I think I have a motivation problem. For some reason I cannot find the motivation to succeed at certain jobs. I love having a job, but certain jobs I've had serious issues finding the motivation to do beyond the realm of my job. With CAB, I enjoyed it and all, but the motivation to go above and beyond was lacking. Pretty much every job except Crew Leading and Res Life have been the same. So that makes me wonder if I refuse to be motivated or if it is a problem. I love working at the company I'm with right now. Parts of my job, though, I think are absolutely ridiculous. I'd never do this full time. After this year, I will never be a full time House Manager like I currently am. I'm an actor, not a glorified janitor. I enjoy the office support side... but I barely do that because I'm so wrapped up in a part of my job that was added last minute when I was hired. Finding merchandise to sell at shows is not something I find ideal, either. I think it's overkill, especially when it comes to things you knowingly will buy for a lot cheaper online or in stores. I am just not motivated, and that's a problem. I want to be motivated. I really, really do. I like having this job. I think I'm still dealing with the shock of not being in school. I don't think I'm dealing with it too well, haha. Going away these past two weekends has really made me reevaluate my entire life and where I want to be in the next six months. You should know, I write about it all the damn time, haha.

The main thing about my job now that bothers me is the lack of focus. I'm okay with going to help production from time to time painting and constructing. But my job, the job for which I was hired, has a lack of focus. I'm given several projects to do at once, and none of it has to do with anything else. I'm given responsibilities, but then I'm micromanaged or babysat the whole time when I'm capable of being in control of some things on my own. This is why I want to go back to school for a Masters in Higher Education. I liked the way I was treated as an RA, an FDA and an Orientation Leader. I love student affairs, and it's the job that I want. Career-wise, though, I belong on stage. I want to mix those two things together in my life. I must say that I love my job, I love the people and I love being here again. I'm not ungrateful for this job. I could be working retail still, living at home. I just need focus. I'm too ADD to not have focus.

I need New York. That's what I need.

I Can't Decide

This past weekend was one to remember... well, one to attempt to remember anyway.

I spent the weekend in State College, PA, home to Penn State. I went to visit Andrew, and this trip turned into something much more than a simple visit. I got to see some old friends, meet some new ones and have three days worth of ridiculousness. It made me realize something that Ashleigh Lamma and I have been talking about for a long time now: I feel like I'm wasting my time. This past few months have been killer. I've been doing everything for other people. I've let my talent go unknown, and I've neglected those I love. Going to Penn State made me very envious of everyone having so much fun every weekend with their friends. All I do is work, go to the gym, go home. I'm 22, single and now living with three other people (my roommate Kelly, her sister and her sis's boyfriend). I'm in the city in which I lived from ages 4-18 full time and 18-22 part time. My friends are not here, and what am I doing? Nothing.

Well that's changing. I'm doing things for me for these next few months. I have to do this or I'll go crazy. I'm auditioning for shows and AMDA. I'm probably going to get out of RVA next year regardless of a job/school. I need out and I need to not live here anymore. It's my past. I can't live in the present when I'm literally living in my past. How do people live in the same towns in which they grew up? It's too familiar. I can't do that. I'm itching to get out. I NEED TO GET OUT! Haha. Luckily this weekend is a double dose of outage. I'm going to Harrisonburg for a night and DC for a night. Then SUNDAY is my AMDA audition. I really want it. It means I'll be in NYC doing what I love. I. need. this. Mmkay? Mmkay! :D

Every Morning

I keep coming to this page and then leaving. I thought of something to discuss briefly, though. We'll see how brief it turns out.

I was at rehearsal last night, and I realized I have a huge crush on one of my cast mates. He's smart, has a good job, funny and talented. The only problem (of course): he's been with his partner for over 15 years (he's mid-to-late 30s... so not that old, freakazoids). At one point I imagined a Mean Girls situation where Aaron breaks up with Regina and doesn't immediately ask Cady out. I thought about that. So I'm stupid. Backing up a week, though, I had another incident involving this. I went to my high school's winter choral concert, and I ran into a girl from high school who I pretty much fell in love with but dating someone else because I was stupid and clueless. Well, she's the one girl for whom I'd drop everything. If I could picture myself with one person at this point in my life, it'd be here. Well, of course I was left very crushed and apathetic when she told me she has a boyfriend and once she graduates, she's pretty much going to pick up her life and move around with him to a different part of the country for his job. Great, great. No, of course I didn't expect her to be single, she's a gorgeous girl who is amazing. I was still just a little jaded, though.

So after these two incidents, I realized something: I tend to like other people who I know are emotionally unavailable. They always have significant others or are pursuing other relationships. Why is this, I wonder? As I overlooked the lights of RVA on my way home, I came the conclusion that I'm afraid of commitment. I am a stereotypical male. I don't want to be tied down to just one person. Really? That's all I've ever wanted, but my subconscious is telling me otherwise. Lately I think it's because I've seen what it does to people. It takes them completely out of their own worlds. People take jobs they don't want just, stay stuck in places they wanted to run from, shut out their friends and create this whole new world where the past is forgotten and ignored. Okay, well I try to ignore some things in my past, but never people. Am I just too young still? I am in a selfish point of my life. I need to do things for me. I can't not move to New York because I have someone in Virginia. If they loved me, they'd either move with me or support a long distance relationship. I'd never expect someone to give up any part of their life just for me. If I was dating an actor, and he/she got a big break in LA, I'd be so happy for them, but I wouldn't pick my life up and head out there without a plan or a want. I guess I'm just not ready to give up 90% of my dreams just for the 10% that remains.

A lot of this has to do with my best friend, Jackie. Ever since we met, she's been dating someone. She's a big serial dater. She was never single for more than a month or two it seemed. The only time our dating lives overlapped was during the stint I dated Dave and she dated Cara. Other than that, single me has been the best friend who has to be friends with her significant other, regardless of how bat shit crazy they may be. I saw her always giving up little pieces of herself for these people. It's funny how she would criticize my friend Tyler for packing up his life for his boyfriends and lose contact with friends when she tends to do the same. I just now realize how similar they really are and how they've chosen to ignore this in themselves. Anyways, I've seen this happen, and I cannot do it. I simply cannot. I haven't seen her in months. I mean, I haven't tried to visit her yet (usually whenever we plan on me visiting, we have to cancel)... but I'm the type of person who goes all over the state just to visit people without the return thought. Am I just completely wrong in my thoughts? If anyone reads this, are you willing at this point in your life to give up things for a girl or a boy? Can you honestly say you'd be willing to compromise your aspirations and dreams for another person right now?

I cannot. I'm 22, almost 23. I've spent too much time compromising myself for others as it is. It was called being an RA and a theater major. Right now I have to focus on my career. I know I can do it. I know it. I knew this wouldn't be brief haha. Happy New Year!