I was at rehearsal last night, and I realized I have a huge crush on one of my cast mates. He's smart, has a good job, funny and talented. The only problem (of course): he's been with his partner for over 15 years (he's mid-to-late 30s... so not that old, freakazoids). At one point I imagined a Mean Girls situation where Aaron breaks up with Regina and doesn't immediately ask Cady out. I thought about that. So I'm stupid. Backing up a week, though, I had another incident involving this. I went to my high school's winter choral concert, and I ran into a girl from high school who I pretty much fell in love with but dating someone else because I was stupid and clueless. Well, she's the one girl for whom I'd drop everything. If I could picture myself with one person at this point in my life, it'd be here. Well, of course I was left very crushed and apathetic when she told me she has a boyfriend and once she graduates, she's pretty much going to pick up her life and move around with him to a different part of the country for his job. Great, great. No, of course I didn't expect her to be single, she's a gorgeous girl who is amazing. I was still just a little jaded, though.
So after these two incidents, I realized something: I tend to like other people who I know are emotionally unavailable. They always have significant others or are pursuing other relationships. Why is this, I wonder? As I overlooked the lights of RVA on my way home, I came the conclusion that I'm afraid of commitment. I am a stereotypical male. I don't want to be tied down to just one person. Really? That's all I've ever wanted, but my subconscious is telling me otherwise. Lately I think it's because I've seen what it does to people. It takes them completely out of their own worlds. People take jobs they don't want just, stay stuck in places they wanted to run from, shut out their friends and create this whole new world where the past is forgotten and ignored. Okay, well I try to ignore some things in my past, but never people. Am I just too young still? I am in a selfish point of my life. I need to do things for me. I can't not move to New York because I have someone in Virginia. If they loved me, they'd either move with me or support a long distance relationship. I'd never expect someone to give up any part of their life just for me. If I was dating an actor, and he/she got a big break in LA, I'd be so happy for them, but I wouldn't pick my life up and head out there without a plan or a want. I guess I'm just not ready to give up 90% of my dreams just for the 10% that remains.
A lot of this has to do with my best friend, Jackie. Ever since we met, she's been dating someone. She's a big serial dater. She was never single for more than a month or two it seemed. The only time our dating lives overlapped was during the stint I dated Dave and she dated Cara. Other than that, single me has been the best friend who has to be friends with her significant other, regardless of how bat shit crazy they may be. I saw her always giving up little pieces of herself for these people. It's funny how she would criticize my friend Tyler for packing up his life for his boyfriends and lose contact with friends when she tends to do the same. I just now realize how similar they really are and how they've chosen to ignore this in themselves. Anyways, I've seen this happen, and I cannot do it. I simply cannot. I haven't seen her in months. I mean, I haven't tried to visit her yet (usually whenever we plan on me visiting, we have to cancel)... but I'm the type of person who goes all over the state just to visit people without the return thought. Am I just completely wrong in my thoughts? If anyone reads this, are you willing at this point in your life to give up things for a girl or a boy? Can you honestly say you'd be willing to compromise your aspirations and dreams for another person right now?
I cannot. I'm 22, almost 23. I've spent too much time compromising myself for others as it is. It was called being an RA and a theater major. Right now I have to focus on my career. I know I can do it. I know it. I knew this wouldn't be brief haha. Happy New Year!
No comments:
Post a Comment