Blackbird

Being in my parents' house gives me insomnia.

Kurt: Why did you pick me to sing that song with?

Blaine: Kurt, there is a moment when you say to yourself, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you forever."Watching you do "Blackbird:" this week... that was the moment for me about you. You move me, Kurt, and this duet would be an excuse to spend more time with you.

Thanks Glee for continuing to throw it in my face how single and hopeless I am when it comes to my own love life, haha. If you didn't see the "Original Songs" episode of Glee... you missed an amazing moment for Klaine fans (Kurt and Blaine). They finally got together. Fox even allowed two men to kiss! Shocking! Anyways, Ashleigh and I continued to pine away for Blaine (even though more recently I've been pining after Brittany and Santana). It makes me feel utterly hopeless. Here I am, ogling over some fictional character whose actor is straight in real life. I guess I should be ogling over the writers because Blaine's words were beautiful. Side note, Kurt's dad's speech the other week was brilliant as well. I wish my father gave me the sex talk that way. Anyways, Blaine. Men like him may exist, but 90% of them are fictional characters.

All of this reminds me of something my mom asked me recently. She asked me how I was doing. Vague questions get vague answers. I told her I was fine, just really busy with work and stressed about life as usual. Then she asked me if I liked anyone. I haven't been asked that by her since high school. I told her my typical cop out answer. "I'm too busy for a relationship." Then what she said next really broke my heart. "I just worry about you. I don't want you to be alone. I want someone to take care of you." That was probably the most amazing thing she has ever said to me. Now it's not advice she gave me or anything, but it was so thought provoking for one thing. It also showed that she does think about me in the ways I choose to ignore publicly. She knows I'm alone and have been for a long time. It really made me think about my life and everything. I'm at the point in my life, though, where I don't know what I want. I know I've put myself last for years, and I'm finally to the point where I just need to do what is best for me. Hence why I auditioned for Hello, Dolly! in Fredericksburg. I'm moving to New York in four months, so starting a relationship in Virginia would be pointless (I can't deal with long distance). I just don't know. I need to start over in New York. This is such a tough thing for me to deal with since I've spent so much time ignoring the issue. My mom is worried about me finding someone. That speaks so loudly to me. My dad could care less, as long as I'm in a job he thinks is worthy of his praise. Fuck him. Sorry, I got sidetracked. Anyways, again I know I discuss this a lot. It's such a prevalent issue, though. Okay I guess I should try to sleep. Whoo hoo.

EDIT:

So sleep obviously isn't happening, so I'm rereading blog entries from last year. Turns out my mom asked me the same question and posed the same worry last June when I was still living at CNU for the summer. Hmm, maybe that's telling me something huge...