Last Christmas

Merry Christmas! Tidings of comfort and joy, y'all. I'm channeling my best Britney Spears. I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday!

It feels like I've been witnessing and hearing Christmas since November 19th when White Christmas opened, and I'll admit... I was pretty anti-Christmas for a while there. Every time I hear the song "White Christmas" on the radio, I've literally screamed out loud and changed the station. But Thursday night as Carolyn was leaving, I wished her a merry Christmas. That moment officially felt like Christmas. Then shopping on Christmas Eve definitely made it feel like Christmas :D THEN drinking at a bar made it feel like college, but Christmas at the same time. For some reason, I'm also always the first one up on Christmas morning. It's been the same since I was very little. I remember running around the house, being very quiet at about 6AM, looking at all the presents that weren't there from the night before, and going back to bed for a few hours. Then I'd wake up again, wake everyone else up in the house and we'd rip open presents. Well... that's how it happened today, haha.

I do feel very blessed for what I've been given. I pretty much am Gleeked and Charlie Browned out. I got GLEE Vol. 4 CD and unfortunately the dumbass at FYE told my mother Season 1 Volume 1 was the entire season of GLEE... so my mom bought that for me and got really upset when I told her it wasn't right/I already had it. I felt terrible because she felt bad. I guess I shouldn't have made it a big deal... I'll just exchange/sell it and buy the COMPLETE season one. I also got a GLEE wall calendar. Yessss. As for Charlie Brown, I got a place mat, a salt and pepper shaker set, and a Charlie Brown that shivers and plays "Linus and Lucy." I also got new running shoes, some shower stuff, clippers for my hair/face/body (yessss), and some teeth whiting stuff. Haha I'm stoked.

But Christmas is more than just presents. Christmas means family... fighting with them, running from them, throwing things at them, just enjoying the company. My family usually does this: after presents, my sister will run to sleep or out the door. Dad will go smoke in his room. Mom will take a nap. Grandma will cook dinner. I'll sit in the rec room on my laptop watching a movie. This year... yeah that's what happened, haha. I'm watching the Star Wars marathon right now, followed by Easy A and Death at a Funeral. Great success!

If anyone's reading this, please share how your Christmas went! :D

Were the World Mine

There's this silly little homo movie called "Were the World Mine." It's based around the play "A Midsummer Night's Dream" by the Bard. They do the play in the movie, and the lead character (Timothy) also takes the part of Punk into his reality. He's a queer kid who makes the straights fall in love, including the star rugby player for whom he has eyes. It's a silly musical romantic comedy, hence why I'm watching it, three glasses of wine deep into the movie.

I may be a little tipsy, but this movie, embarrassingly enough, really speaks to me. I think it's mostly due to the Shakespeare aspect, but anyways... they repeatedly play with the theme of love and falling in love. Timothy asks his friend Frankie (a female, haha) this simple yet highly complex question:

If you could make someone love you... would you?

Well? I think it's a question we ask ourselves all the time, whether you want to admit it or not. When you have feelings for someone, of course you want them to feel the same way. If you've never read/seen Shakespeare's play, the specific part the movie focuses on is the fairy Puck and his flower that spews Cupid's Love Juice. When Puck sprays a mortal with the potion, they fall in love with the first creature they see. This is why we ask ourselves that bold question above. If you could make someone love you, would you? It's complicated. What happens when free will is null and void for our own personal gain? I think about this every time I watch this movie. Of course I want someone to love me. Hell, I'd even go as far to make someone through magic. But I realize in the end, especially because of this movie/the Shakespeare play, that you can't force these things to happen, and you can't sit there screaming internally at someone to get them to love you. *SPOILERS from here on out* I would love it if this movie ended with Timothy ending up alone, dealing with his loneliness and not trying to force a hot rugby player to love him. Instead... the rugby player has loved him all along. They end up happy (as happy as high schoolers can be), and I end up completely in shambles. When I first saw this movie, I remember being completely let down when the hot rugby guy went up and kissed Timothy. I wanted a bitter ending. Of course, it wasn't bitter but sweet instead. I just spent two hours and three glasses of wine singing and crying. I'm such an idiot for letting this get to me. Such an idiot. For years, I've talked with my best friend Jackie about my love life versus her love life. She's always just said I'm young... I'll find someone... while she's dated someone every time I go through this break down. I'm almost 23, I don't feel like I have anything to show for being 23. I'm so let down with myself. The only relationship I had was when I was 15-17, and it was hell. It was too advanced for someone my age (i.e. significant other had too many drug problems with which for me to deal).

I always compare myself to Charlie Brown and Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower. It just dawned on me that Charlie is just CB in high school. Wow. Why have I never made that connection before? And it's all a fictionalized representation of my life to which I have attributed. I find solace in comparing myself to fictional characters. So far, my collection is:

- Mark from Rent

- Charlie Brown

- Charlie from Perks

- Michael from Queer as Folk

- I was Jane from Sweetest Thing but I've been promoted to Christina

Okay this is by far the stupidest entry I've ever submitted. I'm sorry for giving you a reason to never be my friend again, haha. I've always felt alone, and I feel the most alone when there are a bunch of people surrounding me, strangely enough. Cliche enough, too haha. Okay I should go. This is the wine talking... and by "wine" I mean me. I'm so dumb, no wonder I'm single.

Snow

Hello blogosphere! I'm sorry I've neglected my blog for about ten days. I've been doing a 30 Day Challenge on tumblr, so I've kind of forgotten. My apologizes.

Well, let's see, my life over the past few months has been CRAZY! I've been working nonstop for Barksdale and TheatreIV. It's been a lot of work, but I really enjoy it. I'm hoping it'll pay off in the end with good connections and a fantastic experience. I also started bartending at the childrens' show (which is more of selling cupcakes and juice boxes). So I get to see a lot of people throughout my day. I was going to do the Things Remembered ordeal again this year... but I decided against it. I don't have enough time to focus on two jobs through my full time company in addition to a part time that I didn't even like. Yeah, sure, money. Money's always an issue, though. So I can't spend the greater part of my day working. I need to actually, you know, have a life? Run errands? Normal human things. No big deal.

I've been thinking a lot about next year. I spend a lot of my time thinking about the next year instead of the current moment, but I digress. Last year I remember at this time thinking about my options. I was pretty clueless, though. I went through a grad school rush, thinking I could get it done in a month, but it didn't work out. I thought about moving back to Richmond... which is eventually what happened. I think mostly I thought I was going to be in Pennsylvania working for KDR. That's what should have happened, but oh well. It's not like I didn't qualify or even wasn't selected for the position... they just couldn't afford to bring me on, which was highly disappointing. Then at some point the idea of being a University Fellow at school came up... and although I was completely robbed for that job and would have done a lot better than the people they hired, I'm glad I'm not stuck at CNU thinking I'm glorious when I'm not. So I fell back on my safety plan.

This year the options are as follows:

1 - Grad School: I applied to University of Michigan for their Higher Ed program. I'd love to go here and live in Ann Arbor. It's a nice artsy town, and the school is wonderful. It's been a dream of mine to go there for about five years now. So who knows. Hopefully it can come true?

2 - Richmond: I mean, I could always stay here. My lease ends in August, and I'm planning on moving. I can either end up with the folks, my friend Daniel, anyone who wants to move to Richmond, or whatever. Maybe my internship can turn into a full time position of some sort at Barksdale (but I'll need to be able to be in shows or I won't accept it). We'll see.

3 - Different City: If all else fails, I can just move to another city and start anew. I've thought about DC. That's as far as I've thought so far, haha.

I'll keep everyone posted on what's going on. I'd love to end up out of Virginia next year, but I also need to get some professional show credit under my belt before I move on. We'll see.

Valerie

So I have nothing to discuss right now other than things that I always discuss... like my really stressed out life. I'm watching "1 Girl 5 Gays" right now on Logo... so I'm going to answer their questions. Warning: some of this are kind of graphic. The show's tag line is "20 Questions about Love and Sex" so yeah... they talk about sex a lot. Some are just dumb. I love this show. I'm also going to give the real question but tweak them to my own life.

20 - What's the most disgusting pornographic image you've seen?

Someone made me watch 2 Girls 1 Cup... thankfully I missed 1 Guy 1 Jar and Church of Fudge..

19 - If your heart had a voice, who would it sound like?

Hmm. I'd probably have to say Eva Cassidy. Her voice is lovely and haunting... like my life. Haha.

18 - At your wedding, what song would you play for the mother/son dance?

I've already decided it'll be something by Rob Thomas or Matchbox Twenty. "Cradle Song" most likely.

17 - Can you remember a specific orgasm?

Yes. I'm not going to be graphic and go into it, haha.

16 - If the person on your left was a magazine, what magazine would he be?

I'll choose my roommate since no one is to my left. Kelly would probably be a Rocky Horror fan magazine. She's quirky like that.

15 - Describe the last time you were shocked?

The episode of GLEE where the bully kissed Kurt shocked the hell out of me.

14 - If you posted a singles ad, what would your ad say?

Well currently one of my singles ads' headline is "Okay I Get It, Let Me Think, I Guess It's My Turn." If I were to post a serious one, though, it'd probably be about what I'm looking for in a significant other. I don't know. I'm bad at these things.

13 - Who would you do: Ann Coulter or Dr. Laura?

Ugh jeez, Dr. Laura.

12 - Fill in the Blank: No one has made me laugh harder than ___

Probably my sister. I can't remember exact topics, but I remember rolling on the floor crying a lot after talking to her.

11 - What was the last text you regretted sending?

Gosh, I send a lot of texts I regret, but there's nothing too specific I can remember.

10 - How does what you thought sex was, compare to what it is?

Sex seems to never be what people think. I was definitely hoping for something a little more emotional and connected. I was dating the person at the time, but it had only been for a few weeks. I mean I loved this person, but sex was kind of a let down because after there was no connection. Most of the time he would have to leave or I would have to leave.

9 - If everyone on the panel had a sex tape, whose would you want to watch?

Hmm so I'll just say out of my friends. Honestly, I wouldn't want to see any of my friends' sex tapes... I don't want to picture my friends having sex. Awkward.

8 - What is the most painful thing that has ever happened to you?

Physically, probably getting hit in the testicles with a golf ball in my back yard as a kid. That pain is the worst.

Mentally/Emotionally, probably an episode I had with an individual my junior year. Things were going pretty well, I thought we would end up together, but I was just thrown away like the trash. I felt used, and I was left bitter and jaded. I've been screwed up when it comes to love for a while, and that didn't help it any.

7 - Of the guys that have appeared on this show, who do you think is the bravest?

Again, I'll pick from my friends. I would have to saw Andrew. I know his doubts and insecurities, but I always see him taking initiative and get so inspired. He isn't afraid to talk about his past, and I have always held him in the highest esteem.

6 - Who would you do: Chris Martin or Brandon Flowers?

Brandon Flowers

5 - At what age were you your ugliest?

Jeez. I'd probably have to say however old I was in 7th grade. My nose always looked huge, I used gel in my hair and wore stupid clothes. I had bad skin and no tan. Middle school was just bad.

4 - If you could make your penis bigger, would you?

Simple answer: yes.

3 - Describe the eyes of the person on your right.

This is hard to do since no one is to my right... and I can't just pick someone randomly.

2 - Have you ever seen your parents cry?

I've heard my mother cry. My parents got into a really bad fight once when I was in high school. It was so bad my dad left and went to Michigan for two weeks. I heard my mom cry as they fought and after he left. We thought he was gone for good. My mom is really strong, but she broke down.

1 - Close your eyes and describe the perfect date.

Maymont or something outside. I'd love to walk around a park like Maymont or Central Park. Then we'd go to some trendy cafe for lunch. We'd take in a movie either at a theater or one of our houses. Then we'd cuddle by the fire as it snowed outside.

Okay great. Love that show :)

Imagine

So I didn't know I blogged yesterday. Weird. It's like I did it subconsciously. Whoa, Inception.

Okay anyway, I wanted to talk about a really important matter of business. This issue is something I hold near and dear to my heart. We're almost to the two year anniversary of the tragic accident that left a CNU student dead because one of my fraternity brothers drove intoxicated and crashed his car into the other student's car. I cannot believe it. Two years. A lot of things have happened in two years. KDR went from a constant spectacle due to the accident to the best fraternity on CNU's campus. Heck, we were the best chapter in the nation for the 2009-2010 school year. But the one thing that has been left to whispers is what happened to those brothers who were greatly affected by this horrible incident. Personally, it left me numb and scared. I did not know the other student, but my fraternity brother went to jail for this. He was expelled, and no one has seen him in a long time. No one will see him for a long time either. I was just numb. A lot of my brothers were scarred. I can see the damage in their eyes, and a lot of those most damaged did nothing to cope. I've seen them drop off the face of the planet into their own worlds. I've seen horrible personal decisions. It's sad. I've also seen nobody reach out to these people. Some have tried; others chose to look the other way, sweeping the problems under the rug. If something traumatic happens to you, do not hesitate to get help. Therapy is not dumb; therapy is not for losers; and therapy does not mean you have mental problems. You are better off getting help sooner than later.

I bring this up because last month, my co-worker's nephew died while pledging a fraternity at Radford. Now this is not exactly the same, but it's related in the fact that alcohol caused a terrible accident. It just has me thinking about everything KDR strove to be in order to place ourselves above the "frat" mold. I wish that more Greek organizations would get it. Hazing does not equal tradition. Hazing is not grounds for bringing brothers closer. I have never been a fan of the "it happened to me, it should happen to you" mentality. If things sucked for you, make them better for those coming after you! I think I've been on my soap box for long enough. I'm trying to focus on talking about issues that matter since I'm tired of reading my bitching, haha.

Firework

Wow, I am so sorry, blog, that I have neglected you for almost a month. It's been pretty busy. I had one show close (Shipwrecked!, the one I worked) and another open (The Boy Friend, the one in which I'm the lead). I've done some shifts in my job: once the show ended I went back to 9A-5P in the office, but that's just going to change very, very soon with White Christmas taking over my life. On most Wednesdays and all Saturdays, I'll be in the damn theater for almost twelve hours. I'm going to go nuts. I asked for a night off once a week from that... the response I got was, "Well, I'd like a night off, too. Tough." Yeah, eff you. You choose to do all of these projects at once, not my fault. I'm really afraid that this show is going to cause all of my connections to be lost. I've missed my friends so much, but I won't be able to see them... ever. I work all the damn time, and I have nothing to show for it. It's going to be a bitch of a year, and I'm really nervous about becoming bitter. I'm not living the life I want. I'm barely making ends meet... I'm at the point where I'm using stupid cliches like "making ends meet." I can't even write anymore because it's making me so hateful and bitter. I feel like people are always taking advantage of me because I'm so willing to help, and I'm really good at what I do. I tried to make a stand today about the wanting a night off... and I got a minimal compromise. I like working for the company, I do... but I'm not sure being an INTERN is for me. I really refuse to take crap from people, but maybe that'll be my downfall. Maybe that'll lead me to not working with anyone in the future? Who knows. I just have to roll with the punches... jeez, another cliche. I need to go back to school. Penn State or Michigan, please accept me!

Stars and the Moon

Well, kiddies, I'm exhausted after a 6 hour 45 minute gig as house manager of the RTCC Awards. What are the RTCC Awards, you say? Oh you didn't... well, I'll tell you anyway! The Richmond Theatre Critics Circle get together and come up with some awards and nominations to celebrate the year in Richmond theater. It was really great, just really long and tiresome. Sound of Music by my company (Barksdale/TheatreIV) won a bunch, RENT by Firehouse won a bunch as well. One of my favorite musicals, The 25th Annual Putman Co. Spelling Bee as produced by Barksdale, performed "I Love You Song," and I absolutely loved it. It was the best performance of the night, and it reminded me of why I love that show so much. The award show frenzy made me fall in love with theater all over again. Every so often, when I get tired and worn out and want to forget this business, something like this happens to reaffirm my love for the theater. The one thing I think I'm missing from my internship, though, is the acting side. It's weird to say that because so far I've done two shows since graduating (Pippin and currently The Boy Friend). I realized, though, as I was chatting with my beloved stage mom from Pippin/our choreographer for those two shows that after November, I won't be in a show until potentially June. That's seven months of no acting/singing. That could be very detrimental to my career. There are still a few shows that haven't held auditions as of yet, so I'm going to argue my case with my boss man. That's not too much to ask, is it? I don't think so...

We had a staff meeting today to discuss some of the events that happened during and after the awards involving things that should not have been said because it makes the person and the company look bad. It got me thinking about perception, a word that I've heard a lot over the past few months. Perception really is key, and if someone sees that you have said some nasty things, they'll attribute that to you if not forever then for a darn long time. So I've decided to finally watch what I say on Twitter and Facebook. I think I've been doing a good job lately with that, but there's always room for improvement. I can't help it (if I'm so popular... sorry I couldn't resist) if I have an opinion, but I can help how it is broadcast.