Imagine

So I didn't know I blogged yesterday. Weird. It's like I did it subconsciously. Whoa, Inception.

Okay anyway, I wanted to talk about a really important matter of business. This issue is something I hold near and dear to my heart. We're almost to the two year anniversary of the tragic accident that left a CNU student dead because one of my fraternity brothers drove intoxicated and crashed his car into the other student's car. I cannot believe it. Two years. A lot of things have happened in two years. KDR went from a constant spectacle due to the accident to the best fraternity on CNU's campus. Heck, we were the best chapter in the nation for the 2009-2010 school year. But the one thing that has been left to whispers is what happened to those brothers who were greatly affected by this horrible incident. Personally, it left me numb and scared. I did not know the other student, but my fraternity brother went to jail for this. He was expelled, and no one has seen him in a long time. No one will see him for a long time either. I was just numb. A lot of my brothers were scarred. I can see the damage in their eyes, and a lot of those most damaged did nothing to cope. I've seen them drop off the face of the planet into their own worlds. I've seen horrible personal decisions. It's sad. I've also seen nobody reach out to these people. Some have tried; others chose to look the other way, sweeping the problems under the rug. If something traumatic happens to you, do not hesitate to get help. Therapy is not dumb; therapy is not for losers; and therapy does not mean you have mental problems. You are better off getting help sooner than later.

I bring this up because last month, my co-worker's nephew died while pledging a fraternity at Radford. Now this is not exactly the same, but it's related in the fact that alcohol caused a terrible accident. It just has me thinking about everything KDR strove to be in order to place ourselves above the "frat" mold. I wish that more Greek organizations would get it. Hazing does not equal tradition. Hazing is not grounds for bringing brothers closer. I have never been a fan of the "it happened to me, it should happen to you" mentality. If things sucked for you, make them better for those coming after you! I think I've been on my soap box for long enough. I'm trying to focus on talking about issues that matter since I'm tired of reading my bitching, haha.

Firework

Wow, I am so sorry, blog, that I have neglected you for almost a month. It's been pretty busy. I had one show close (Shipwrecked!, the one I worked) and another open (The Boy Friend, the one in which I'm the lead). I've done some shifts in my job: once the show ended I went back to 9A-5P in the office, but that's just going to change very, very soon with White Christmas taking over my life. On most Wednesdays and all Saturdays, I'll be in the damn theater for almost twelve hours. I'm going to go nuts. I asked for a night off once a week from that... the response I got was, "Well, I'd like a night off, too. Tough." Yeah, eff you. You choose to do all of these projects at once, not my fault. I'm really afraid that this show is going to cause all of my connections to be lost. I've missed my friends so much, but I won't be able to see them... ever. I work all the damn time, and I have nothing to show for it. It's going to be a bitch of a year, and I'm really nervous about becoming bitter. I'm not living the life I want. I'm barely making ends meet... I'm at the point where I'm using stupid cliches like "making ends meet." I can't even write anymore because it's making me so hateful and bitter. I feel like people are always taking advantage of me because I'm so willing to help, and I'm really good at what I do. I tried to make a stand today about the wanting a night off... and I got a minimal compromise. I like working for the company, I do... but I'm not sure being an INTERN is for me. I really refuse to take crap from people, but maybe that'll be my downfall. Maybe that'll lead me to not working with anyone in the future? Who knows. I just have to roll with the punches... jeez, another cliche. I need to go back to school. Penn State or Michigan, please accept me!

Stars and the Moon

Well, kiddies, I'm exhausted after a 6 hour 45 minute gig as house manager of the RTCC Awards. What are the RTCC Awards, you say? Oh you didn't... well, I'll tell you anyway! The Richmond Theatre Critics Circle get together and come up with some awards and nominations to celebrate the year in Richmond theater. It was really great, just really long and tiresome. Sound of Music by my company (Barksdale/TheatreIV) won a bunch, RENT by Firehouse won a bunch as well. One of my favorite musicals, The 25th Annual Putman Co. Spelling Bee as produced by Barksdale, performed "I Love You Song," and I absolutely loved it. It was the best performance of the night, and it reminded me of why I love that show so much. The award show frenzy made me fall in love with theater all over again. Every so often, when I get tired and worn out and want to forget this business, something like this happens to reaffirm my love for the theater. The one thing I think I'm missing from my internship, though, is the acting side. It's weird to say that because so far I've done two shows since graduating (Pippin and currently The Boy Friend). I realized, though, as I was chatting with my beloved stage mom from Pippin/our choreographer for those two shows that after November, I won't be in a show until potentially June. That's seven months of no acting/singing. That could be very detrimental to my career. There are still a few shows that haven't held auditions as of yet, so I'm going to argue my case with my boss man. That's not too much to ask, is it? I don't think so...

We had a staff meeting today to discuss some of the events that happened during and after the awards involving things that should not have been said because it makes the person and the company look bad. It got me thinking about perception, a word that I've heard a lot over the past few months. Perception really is key, and if someone sees that you have said some nasty things, they'll attribute that to you if not forever then for a darn long time. So I've decided to finally watch what I say on Twitter and Facebook. I think I've been doing a good job lately with that, but there's always room for improvement. I can't help it (if I'm so popular... sorry I couldn't resist) if I have an opinion, but I can help how it is broadcast.

Teenage Dream

I started writing a blog entry and stopped, something I do quite often actually. But lucky for me, it is similar to what I want to discuss today. It's October... it's mid-October. I tend to get really depressed in October. Fall Break usually helped... but real world equals no Fall Break. No Thanksgiving break. No Winter Break. Anyway, focus. October. I always feel so down, and I don't know why. It's like clockwork every year. I usually blow it off, though. It's mostly stress related, and I'm really stressed right now with work and The Boy Friend. Things keep changing or have no structure at all. It's driving me bananas. I like having a daily agenda of what I need to get done. I don't like down time, but I don't like my down time getting interrupted by trivial tasks I didn't schedule already. Honestly, I feel like I'm on duty every night I have to house manage. And this one lady has the most ANNOYING voice; hearing her talking makes me want to rip out my hair. Rwar, I said it. Phew I feel better, haha. I think the weather is getting me down; it sure is starting to get me sick. I think I'm pushing myself too hard. Running constantly, ignoring myself. I do it frequently. I make about $5 and hour, yet I work at least $12 an hour days. It'd be fine if I didn't have rent to pay or gas to put into my car.

Stop complaining. I'm tired of complaining, but I have no one I can talk to in Richmond. I'm screaming on the inside and can't let it out. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Still silent, regardless of how many capital A's.

Toxic

In honor of the Glee episode on Tuesday, appropriately titled "Britney/Brittany," I have titled this entry "Toxic." It actually goes along with the topic in which I will discuss today. But first, I would like to discuss Glee a little bit. As you have to know by now, I love Glee. I'm obsessed with the show. One day I will be on the show. For now, I buy the CDs, the DVDs and watch every Tuesday (or Wednesday on Hulu if I have work/rehearsal). Season One: Part One was fantastic. Those are the episodes from "Pilot" to "Sectionals." The writing was pretty good, and the only flashy celebrities were very critical to plot points (Victor Garber and Debra Monk as Will's parents, Kristin Chenoweth as April... Eve was a bit weird, but it worked... Josh Groban was unnecessary but I still love him). The second part of the season, "Hell-O" to "Journey," seriously lacked heart. It was all about flashy celebrities singing more songs than the actual cast members. "The Power of Madonna" was excellent, but most of the other episodes were just so-so. Things happened way too fast. I loved the song choices and ending with Journey songs again. It was a smart move for New Directions to lose the competition. Season Two is upon us now, and after the first episode, I'm still testing the waters. The new guy is absolutely unnecessary and not as talented as the seasoned Glee clubbers. The new girl, however, is amazing. The AUTO TUNE is killing me. Ryan Murphy, if you ever see this, stop auto tuning your singings. It shows that the production team has no faith in the actors on this show. If they can't sing, don't cast them! The auto tuning was out of control in the season one finale. Lea Michele does NOT need auto tune. It's absolutely nuts. Jonathan Groff auto tuned was offensive. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Also, the guest stars need to calm down. Sure, bring Kristin back. Why not? I am excited for Carol Burnette as Sue's mom. But Susan Boyle as a lunch lady? Javier Bardem? As much as I LOVE Neil Patrick Harris... his storyline was not important enough to have him come back. Idina Menzel is supposedly returning, as is Jonathan Groff... why? Their storyline is over. Jesse graduated, and Shelby quit to raise Quinn's baby. Chill on the guests. Focus on the kids. So Glee, I have high hopes. Don't be disappointing. I think I will pee myself, though, with this Britney Spears episode. I'm so thrilled.

Now... what was I going to actually discuss before my Glee tangent? Haha, oh right. I wanted to discuss social media. But now I think I'll save it for another day when I want to blog but have nothing to discuss. Darn it, my title was really good, too. I'll have to come up with another.

Cradlesong

Another weekend of "Pippin" is behind me. I can't believe we only have two more shows. I hate the end of a show; I feel like I have nothing to do with my time. I am auditioning for the next show tonight, but we'll see how that goes. I hope you have gotten a chance to come see it if you're in town!

Today I am starting a new challenge. I have an old issue of Richmond Magazine at my desk that I flip through every now and again. Today I noticed the article about the top fifty places to eat in Richmond. Well, I love me some top (insert number here) things to (insert activity here) in (insert location here). So I have challenged myself to eat at all fifty places over the next eight months (the length of my internship) and write about it. The article has suggestions of what to get at these places, but some of the items I'd rather pass. A lot of places are close to my work, so yay I can walk!

50 Fantastic Food Finds Challenge

1. Lift Coffee Shop and Cafe

Lift is a really neat coffee shop on Broad Street. I have gone there once, but I did not order anything last time. This time I decided to go there for lunch today. The prices are very reasonable; I spent a total of $8.85 on my sandwich and side. I ordered the Chicken Pesto panini with fruit salad (I wanted pasta salad... but fruit salad is a healthier option). So yeah it's a little much for my budget as the broke intern, but it was worth it. This sandwich was everything I hoped. The provolone cheese tops off the pesto and makes for a tasty treat. The panini is not over toasted, and it's pretty solid. It tastes great! Lift has really great service, too. The people who work there were pleasant and really quick! If you're in Richmond and need a Starbucks alternative, Lift is a great option!

That's all I have for now. Stay posted. Tomorrow I'll discuss Social Media, because lately I've been obsessed like everyone else :P

Magic to Do

Weekend one of Pippin has come and gone. Now I have most of my nights free, and I don't know what to do with myself. I sat on the couch last night... all night. I love not driving to Fort Lee every single night, but I also hate not having anything to do. Once a gym membership kicks in for me, I'll start doing that right after work to give me something to do. I actually think I'm going to try out for the next show at Fort Lee called The Boy Friend... I know it's a lot of money in gas to go back and forth, but I want to do another show. I worked it out with my house management schedule, and I'd only miss a handful of rehearsals. I'd be completely there the two weeks before opening, and I wouldn't miss a show. It works out perfectly. I'm a glutton for punishment apparently, but I honestly can't do any other shows until about February or March. I enjoy acting and singing too much to be silent for months. Worse things could be wrong in my life, right? I know I complain about trivial things. But that's what makes the world go 'round. :P

So I'm watching this show called "If You Really Knew Me" on MTV. It should be trashy since it's on MTV, but it's actually awesome. It's in the vein of "True Life" but less documentary style, more typical MTV show style. These high school kids are discussing their cliques and labels. They also are discussing how they really don't fit this stereotype into which they have fallen. It's a little stereotypical in itself (the preppy girl hates her body, the jock is under a lot of pressure, the gay kid feels trapped), but then the stoner kid wants a better life and a different out. He wants to graduate HS because no one in his family has before. They are high school kids, so it makes since they are fascinated by these discoveries while most of the world already knows this. Then I realize it took me a while to figure this out just like these kids. So I've become a little inspired. Even at 22, people are still judging. People won't stop judging until the day we all die. So a lot of people see me as one thing, but in reality I'm not that at all.

So a lot of labels that come across people's lips when they think of me: popular, gay, theater, funny. They think I'm really good at what I do and that it comes natural. My family is great and I just whine a lot when things don't go my way. Well, there is more to me, and some of that is way false. First, and foremost, I am bisexual. I am not gay. I have no problems with gays, of course, but I am not gay. I have honestly thought about this for almost ten years now. I am not gay, I have never been gay, I'm never going to be gay. I am bisexual. I won't change my mind. I won't be stuck with men forever. It's harder to be legitimately bisexual when people (gays and straights) love black and white with sexuality. It hurts me when my friends say I'm not really bisexual. I don't discuss this because people have their opinions, and honestly it really hurts. I'm not confident with my sexuality; I'm terrified, which is why I don't discuss it. I feel like I actually do talk about this often, but it's usually to the same few people. If you really knew me, you'd know that my Facebook friend number does not reflect who I am. I feel like a lot of people know me, but I have very few friends. I have a great bond with some of my brothers (KDR for LIFE), and I still talk to them daily. But I'm in a weird place where I don't feel like I have a lot of friends. I went through a period in HS and college where mid-semester, I'd really feel like I had nobody to turn to or talk to for some odd reason. I just feel lonely a lot. If you really knew me, you'd know that alcohol and drugs have effected my family tremendously. Alcoholism runs in my family, and it terrifies me. Unmentioned drug problems exist, and I have seen alcoholism's destruction.

That's enough for today. Maybe tomorrow I'll dive in deeper. I have no problem with this being out in the open. I think that everyone should really dive into what makes them tick and how it makes you a stronger person. I think I've changed my focus in grad school from administration to counseling if I can. Wow. That was a big revelation. Now, I just need to STUDY FOR THE GRE. ACK!